
With Father’s Day pics still popping up in our feeds, it’s a good time to reflect on a very public father moment that made national headlines last month. Tom Brady, former star quarterback for the NFL, agreed to be the “guest of honor” on a live-streamed Netflix roast in early May with what turned out to be some unintended consequences for the athlete. The broadcast was widely viewed as a major success.
Roasts are brutal, unless you have a strong stomach. Brady cheerfully smiled throughout the edgy grilling by comedians and celebrities. There were some interesting barbs and jabs flying around among many football heavyweights including the Patriots owner Robert Kraft and former Patriots coach Bill Belichick. All seemed “roast-worthy” well in the aftermath of the show.
Except that later, we learned that Brady had some misgivings about it.
As revealed during an interview on the hit podcast The Pivot on May 14th, when asked by former Miami Dolphin Channing Crowder what his key take-away was from the roast, Brady answered:
I loved when the jokes were about me; I thought they were so fun. I didn’t like the way that it affected my kids.” He went on, “so it’s the hardest [thing] about like the bittersweet aspect of [it], when you do something that you think is one way, then all of sudden you realize, I wouldn’t do that again because of the way that it affected, actually, the people that I care about the most in the world.
Brady did not foresee the personal impact of the roast on his kids. He went on:
I guess it makes you in some ways a better parent going through it because again, sometimes you are naïve, you don’t know or you get a little like “oh shit!” He added, “You don’t see the full picture all the time.
Indeed. As parents, we don’t see the full picture all the time, or the potential impacts of something on our kids until after the fact. Parenting blind spots and mistakes are inevitable. We make them.
The vital question is what do we do about them?
Brady reflected on The Pivot:
It’s a good lesson for me as a parent. I’m gonna be a better parent as I go forward because of it.
What’s notable about Brady’s statement is his resolve to do better in the future rather than stew in regret, not surprising for a 20-year football veteran with a record seven Super Bowl rings.
While most of us don’t have Super Bowl rings on our shelves, Brady’s attitude is important role modelling for us nonetheless. Given the very public nature of this incident, it provides all of us parents with an opportunity to learn something.
When we make parenting mistakes ~ and we will ~ we have a significant opportunity to grow and to learn from them. Brady is adopting a growth mindset about the unforeseen and very unfortunate impact on his kids and family from jokes made during the roast (that affected them in other contexts, like their social life, at school and with their peers), and it sounds like he will double down and do his due diligence to make up for it with his kids. He has his work cut out for him.
So how do we make up for parenting mistakes, even big ones, and how do we move forward with our kids?
In Positive Discipline practices, what’s most important in the aftermath of mistakes is understanding Repair and Recovery work.
Simply stated repair and recovery entails:
1. Recognizing that a mistake was made with a sense of compassion and empathy,
rather than blame.
2. Reconciling with the person or people harmed (i.e., your children) by apologizing
and owning up to the mistake while showing concern regarding the impact on them.
3. Resolving the problem by working together to come up with respectful solutions.
How does that break down for Brady?
Well, he is well on his way to repair and recovery work by owning his mistake and resolving to do better in the future (recognizing). One hopes he has apologized to his kids (reconciling). Next, it would bode well to spend some time meeting with them, perhaps one by one, or altogether (depending on family dynamics) to validate and empathize with their experience and discomfort. In this way, they feel seen and heard, and eventually soothed by the supportive interaction, which will strengthen a sense of secure attachment with their Dad (reconciling). He should also follow-up with how things would be different in the future with his kids by letting them share their thoughts and giving him their feedback while adding a solution or two of his own to the list of ideas (resolving).
With repair and recovery work, parents have the opportunity to strengthen their relationships with their kids, while also showing them how to show up and be accountable for one’s mistakes. Ideally, as they go through this process the kids are feeling something like, “yeah, Dad really screwed up on this one, but he is aware of it, he is sorry, and he wants to do better. I know he still has my best interest at heart.”
The good news is that kids can be amazingly forgiving, and hopefully Brady’s kids will be with him, if not in the immediate aftermath, then in phases.
Repair and recovery can take time. But when parents come through with an understanding of what transpired, and a commitment to enacting new behaviors and following through in the future, trust can be rebuilt and the damage can be ameliorated and even healed.
Brady’s parenting pivot is a lesson for us all.
Happy Belated Father’s Day to all of you Dads
working to make the best of your relationships with your kids.
Explore More
Repair and recovery can start at any stage in your relationship with your children. It’s never too late, even for parents who are estranged from their adult kids. Here is one nationally-recognized therapist who works on estrangement issues.
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Further Learning
If you haven’t watched Tom Brady's interview on The Pivot yet, check it out! It’s well worth watching!