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10 Things to Talk About with Your Spouse on an Ongoing Basis


What makes a good marriage? What makes some people desire to stay in it for the long haul, and others to abandon their marriages early-on or after their kids are launched? What makes some couples value and even cherish the love they cultivate together, while others throw victory parties at the demise of their marriage?


I have asked myself these questions over the course of my 23 year marriage. As a daughter of bitterly divorced parents, I knew I wanted to do it differently, but the how eluded me. So I began reading, observing, and learning as much as I could about what makes a committed, monogamous, long-term partnership work.


What I have discovered over the years is that a lot of people ponder this question. I’ve also observed how many people take their relationships for granted, or worse, give up on them too easily. Others despair at their multiple attempts to build a committed relationship without ever seeming able to get out of the gate.


The reality is, creating a meaningful partnership requires an inordinate amount of work - work that starts with the self and then enlarges to include another. It is difficult work to be sure, that many people don’t know how to do. Yet, the work itself can not be avoided: sustaining a rewarding committed relationship requires emotional work, often deep emotional work.


Thankfully, we have many wise people who shine light on the practices and understandings needed to better cultivate relationship in our life. Whether they are researchers, writers, therapists, teachers or simply partners with experience, there are clear guideposts and warning flags to help people better understand how to move forward. Some of these people have devoted their lives and careers to better understanding these challenges and to unpack the mysteries.


Many of us have heard of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, for instance, whose work together has created an immense reservoir of tools and resources that couples can tap into for support. In fact, the title of Dr. John Gottman’s best-selling book, The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work, encapsulates a fundamental understanding about love: in marriage, you actually have to MAKE it work.


He should know. Gottman headed up the” Love Lab” at the University of Washington for over 40 years and supported the research of many under his tutelage.  Julie Gottman, his wife and collaborative partner, is a practicing clinician providing counseling and education to couples; she puts these evidence-based findings into practice. Discovering their joint work is essential for those who wish to cultivate love for the long term. You can learn more about and benefit from their vast pool of teachings on their website.


Another well-known psychologist couple, Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, have also made it a life-long pursuit to understand the nuances and practices of committed couples. Hendrix published the best-selling book Getting the Love You Want in 1998. The book and their work together continues to inform couples of invaluable practices like the The Couples Dialogue that can save marriages & partnerships, just as it saved their own. If you have the chance to listen to their own story (start at 28 minutes into the podcast), it is a hoot, as many of us in long-term partnerships can identify with their struggles in the worst moments of our marriages. They managed to turn their marriage around after careening down a steep and rocky path intent on divorce. They’ll tell you all about it, and it will make you both laugh and feel better at the same time.


Another source of wisdom is the work of Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D. Her book The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts can help partners understand different “types” of marriages that can exist between couples and the length of time it takes to truly (better) understand your partner. Wise council, especially for those just starting off.


There are endless books and articles written on what makes love last, and you should read them, or at least learn from them. While there are many to choose from, I find that reading evidenced-based practices bolsters my trust in what I am reflecting on and integrating into my own life.


So, in honor of the many psychologists, teachers, and writers from whom I have learned over the past 23 years, in addition to my own observations and experiences hashing things out in marriage, here is MAPWisdom’s take on 10 Things to About Talk with Your Spouse on an Ongoing Basis to cultivate meaningful relationship in your own life:

 

1.      Commitment –  Though partners commit, it’s good practice to be checking in with your spouse about how things are going for them in terms of the relationship. Ideally this should be a reciprocal practice; however, the reality is, at least in heterosexual relationships, women far outpace men in initiating this type of conversation. Sometimes, especially after any rough patches, it can be an important reaffirmation of your commitment to renew vows together in a mutually created ceremony.

 

2.      Trust – Trust strikes at the heart of “attachment” patterns, which people form in their formative years (though they are malleable over time, researchers tell us). Understanding attachment patterns is key to unpacking your own vulnerabilities and strengths in terms of trusting someone else. It’s important to develop the capacity to trust another, just as it is important to develop the capacity to be trusted. More of your own and your partner’s patterns will become evident over time. Talk about these patterns with your spouse as you notice what’s operating in your relationship.

 

3.      Managing Conflict – This is a big Gottman teaching: learning how to manage conflict is key to successful partnerships. There are ways to fight fair, to disengage, and to recover after a fight. There are also more proactive and preventative things couples can do to better manage sensitive, potentially explosive, or wedge-splitting conflicts. Disagreeing or arguing is not bad in and of itself - in fact many marriages are actually saved by it – but learning how to fight fair and respect your partner during a disagreement, argument, or heated conflict is critically important for preserving your relationship and for creating safety.

 

4.      Finances – Money issues are riddled with emotions, insecurities, trust issues, and feelings of autonomy and security. Money issues can run very deep in love as they are tied to our very sense of survival, independence and dependence, and of being cared-for and loved or rejected and abandoned. Statistically, finances are often the number one thing couples argue about. It’s important to cultivate trust and safety when it comes to money matters in your marriage, and to come to respectful, mutually agreed upon decisions about how to order your finances together and apart.

 

5.      Sexual Rhythms – Another big area where couples can get stuck in the weeds is deciphering sexual rhythms and needs. It’s usually the person with the lower sex drive who sets the frequency of sex in a relationship; however, this is not always good for the health of the partnership. Figuring out how to navigate these tricky issues requires respectfully exploring what will work for both partners and how to keep it alive over the years.

 

6.      Appreciation & Gratitude – This is another key Gottman teaching: creating a culture of respect and admiration. This is a practice that should be actively cultivated, and it takes some practice, but it can turn your marriage around if you find you are grumbling behind your partner’s back a lot. It requires some metacognition on your part, so essentially noticing in yourself first when you are unhappy with your partner and discerning the reasons why. It then requires stepping up and finding ways to address those issues, while actively reflecting on what is working. We can spend our whole lives missing what we have because we are too busy complaining. You need to spend time relaying to your partner what you love about them, appreciate about them, and what you’re grateful for  - on a regular basis. They, too, should be doing this for you. As the Gottmans teach: it’s the little things that count and accumulate over time that make the difference in long-term partnership.

 

7.      Respecting Differences – This can be a tough one for people generally, and it something couples must learn if they wish to remain in relationship, especially if as a couple you have a lot of similarities. Eventually, couples will differentiate in at least some of their interests and activities. It’s important to build points of connection with your spouse over the years, i.e. certain shared activities together, outings, hobbies, interests, social groups, etc., but couples also will have separate interests, beliefs, habits and activities, too. When couples can learn to respect their partner’s differences, rather than making them wrong for what they believe, love, or find interesting, it bodes well for the long-term health of the marriage.

 

8.      Parenting Practices – For those couples with children, it’s incredibly important to do the work needed to get on the same page as much as possible in raising them. Where there are differences, it’s vital that parents learn how to present a united front with their kids and also work to respect their partner’s ways of being and doing parenting. Couples with kids have to work extra-hard at keeping their partnership alive; they simply don’t have as much time to spend on it. The focus shifts to supporting the family, but parents need to be sure to cultivate all that good stuff for themselves as a couple, too, as they tackle the unrelenting work of parenthood.

 

9.      Creating Meaningful Traditions – This is another Gottman teaching: research shows that families who cultivate small and big traditions and rituals together hang better together for the long haul, in a more whole and integrated way. It’s important that you and your spouse spend time consciously reflecting on what are the special traditions of your partnership and family-life together, such as: celebrating holidays, attending sporting events, taking annual trips, creating shared bucket list goals, lighting candles every Friday night. Whatever your desire, create the life-giving traditions and rituals that lift the two of you up as well as your family.

 

10.  Supporting Each Other’s Life Dreams and Shared Life Dreams – A final Gottman teaching is to support and share each other’s life dreams. Partners who support each other to achieve their life dreams and who create shared accomplishments have reached peak partnership functioning according to the Gottmans. Creating this support for one another in marriage is akin to individuals who become “self-actualized” on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. In the Gottman’s teaching, however, you and your partner do this for each other rather than you just doing it for yourself. So what are your partner’s dreams? Does your partner know yours? Start revealing yourself as you figure things out. Pay attention to what your spouse is telling you. What do you want to create in your life; what does your partner want to create; what do you want to create together? How can you support each other in these endeavors? These are truly creative, life-giving practices for your partnership.

 

Upcoming Workships


Positive Discipline Parent Workshop ~ How to Be Both Kind and Firm: Start Learning Positive Discipline Parenting Practices Today

Wednesday, October 16th, 7:00 p.m. (ET) - online, 1 hour, $10

 

Keeping the Joy In Relationship ~ For Couples ~ Start Incorporating New Patterns Into Your Relationship to Keep You Strong as You Parent Together

Thursday, October 18th, 7:00 p.m. (ET) - online, 1 hour, $10

 

Drop-In Chat Groups

 

Tuesdays@Noon, Ongoing On-line Drop-In Parenting Chat Group - Start gaining Positive Discipline parenting tools and support in this informal 25 minute chat group ~ $10


Thursdays@Noon, Ongoing On-line Drop-In Couples Chat Group - Learn skills to start strengthening your partnership in this informal 25 minute chat group ~ $10




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