
These days, many young people are delaying marriage and child rearing; many have also opted to skip it all together. Deciding to fully commit to your partner and/or enter the marriage contract is one of the biggest decisions you will make in your lifetime. It will shape you and your future in innumerable ways.
So what are some ways to ensure that you make the best choice possible when it comes to finding a mate? Here is MAPWisdom’s take on the top 10 things to discuss with your prospective spouse. Give these issues some thought and make time to discuss them before you take the plunge!
1. Intention & Vision for the Future Together: Do you intend to marry, or to be domestic partners? Do you envision spending your whole life together through thick and thin, or is the motto “a year and a day” good enough for one or both of you?
2. Monogamy: How important is monogamy in your relationship? Are you both interested in strict monogamy or is anyone interested in non-monogamy or polyamory? Get clear about this issue: not sharing the same values here will drive a wedge into your relationship. So discuss your desires, intentions, and expectations around these issues.
3. Your Desire and Intention to Have Children: Having children together will alter the course of your life, and it's a huge, intense commitment (and that's an understatement), so it's best to clearly align on this one! It will define your marriage in ways you can not imagine.
4. Roles in Marriage/Partnership: What are your expectations for your prospective spouse in terms of conforming or nonconforming gender (and/or nonbinary) roles and relating? Do you have (unconscious and hidden) expectations here (my wife will make dinner; my husband will cut the grass; my spouse will financially support me when we have kids, and I’ll stay home), or are you more fluid in who you think or expect should do what (we will share childrearing responsibilities and housework, etc.)? It’s best to uncover early on as much of these kinds of expectations, hopes and/or desires as possible - this is a conversation worth having, and it will also be ongoing once you get hitched or commit, because things can change over time.
5. Religion: How important is it to you? Are you and your prospective spouse aligned in these ways and/or can you accommodate the other person’s beliefs and/or religious identity (or lack of religious beliefs)?
6. Political Persuasion and Beliefs: Are you compatible and/or can you accommodate the differences here?
7. How Do You Handle Money: Finances are often a source of conflict in marriage & partnership. Make sure to start observing your prospective spouse’s patterns here; are you more financially compatible in your patterns, or are there differences? If so, how big are the differences, and can the two of you work through them?
8. Sexual Rhythms: Are you compatible sexually in terms of desires, preferences and frequency? How important is this to you; how important is it to the two of you together? Are you able to talk about these issues in a safe and comfortable way?
9. Family Background: Where is your mate in terms of how they relate to their family and to their experiences growing up? Did s/he grow up in a more intact, harmonious family or one that was more estranged, dysfunctional or abusive? Growing up in dysfunctional families does not negate one’s capacity for sustaining longer term relational commitments, but it may make it a bumpier ride sometimes for some: so in that case, is your prospective spouse aware of their own family integration/disintegration experiences, and are you aware of your own? Partners can help each other deepen their understandings of each other’s family backgrounds over time if both people are open to this kind of reflection and dialogue. Doing so can provide a lot of insight over the years and also help support and strengthen your own partnership and family bonds. Can you support your spouse with their family of origin relationships – do you have a grasp of the issues they face; can they support you – do they grasp the issues you face with your family of origin?
10. Reciprocity: Does your prospective spouse have the capacity to respond well to your needs, points of view, thoughts, and feelings. If not so great, does your prospective spouse have the desire and capacity to learn and grow in these ways? Are you able to do the same for your prospective spouse? Reciprocity in relationship bears discussion. One of you may be more naturally capable of this ability: discuss your patterns here and what that means for your relationship.
This blog post grew out of a request from a University of Maryland professor who asked me if I could provide a top 10 list of things to discuss with one's prospective spouse for a college course he teaches to students on "Designing Your Life After College." I appreciate the opportunity to be able to respond, and I would love to here YOUR thoughts on the matter, too!